Dr Phil's Greatest Problem aka Salem with Severus
by lama
Summary: Links with Salem must be forged, thus HGSS (eventually) end up on Dr Phil as a dysfunctional couple...(WIP:language, themes)
1. Chapter One

**Chapter One _(Hermione)_**

_Upon leaving school I soon discovered not only the full extent of the frustrating prejudice against muggleborns, but that at heart, I had always been a teacher. Cliché, I know, but there you have it – I suppose I've been doing it all my life, as my classmates can attest. But really, when it comes down to it, while I'm good at what I know, I don't have the mind for research, and refuse to put up with more hell from purebloods who refuse to support my business or promote me in theirs. Needless to say, it was only my second year back at Hogwarts when Dumbledore received communications from Salem Academy…_

"Ah… fuck." Snape put the straw back into the cup, "Who wants to swap?"

"Us old ladies? Don't be silly, dear," admonished Sprout.

"Why on earth would we want to go to America?" reproved McGonagall.

"I'm too short," sniffed Flitwick, "I'd look weird."

"I'm too important," winked Dumbledore, "I have to stay here."

"I'm not going with _him!_" cried Hermione, "Hooch… anyone… please?"

_But it was too late. The straws had been drawn – I was going to Salem with Severus, and we were to represent Hogwarts in the first transatlantic magical movement since the pilgrims had left Britain. _

"Last call for Boston, Boston Massachusetts is now boarding, last call…"

"Well, come on then," sighed Hermione, picking up her duty free bag and licking the coffee's cream off her lips.

"Remind me why we are taking muggle transport to a magical school," groaned Snape.

"Well, when you manage to invent a broom that would manage the trip, do make sure you patent it for me," muttered Hermione under her breath.

_Sure, maybe we could get there eventually using the rather unreliable magic carpet system, if we apparated to France and then Spain, but where would the fun be? To my surprise, Severus wasn't completely hopeless in the muggle world, but I couldn't wait for that to change once we got to America. Part of the itinerary included numerous trips into the muggle world, aimed at showing us around the more integrated community of Salem, and American magical culture, where around 90 percent of the community have close muggle relations..._

Severus sneered at the incomprehensible idea that the small bit of plastic in front of him could adequately support anything, other than the cardboard masquerading as dessert. He couldn't even smell the 'strawberries' when his nose was directly adjacent to them. Sighing, he leant back to close his eyes and attempted to sleep, but was interrupted immediately by Hermione.

"Will you be eating that? I'm a sucker for dessert."

"Mmph."

"I'll take that as a 'No, of course not, Hermione, please, be my guest.'"

"No, of course not, Hermione, please, be my guest," he mimicked.

"Well, there's no need for rudeness," she spat through a mouthful of cream.

"Well there's no need to redecorate," he retorted, eyeing her bad manners in disgust. She paused a little, in shock, before comprehension dawned.

"Oh. Sorry. I get nervous on long flights, and when I'm nervous, I tend to eat for comfort…" she trailed.

"Whatever. Just let me sleep."

_As if the flight with Severus was not bad enough, the car trip along State Highway 107 was worse. Finally we saw a sign that said 'Salem', and I breathed a sigh of relief. Tired from the flight and the time difference, I wished for nothing more than for the school to be right in front of me at that very moment. When I saw Collins Middle School I was delighted, and then crushed as we kept driving - the same happened too for Salem High School and Saint James School, until we passed another sign that read 'Peabody'. I couldn't question that Deputy Headmaster Thomas Frader knew where he was going, but I was extremely perplexed until his jovial nature noticed my concern…_

"Ah, don't worry there, Hermione, it's only Salem because we're right on the outskirts, and when the school was created the nearest town was Salem. There're over ten different high schools in the place, too, so it's rather to fit in. If you don't mind, maybe you could wake up your friend Sev, there? The entrance to the school is through this cemetery."

_We trudged through the back of St. Mary's Cemetery until we came to the Conover Family Vault. It was elaborate and looked abandoned, situated in the oldest part of the cemetery where no one would notice. Its design looked like Severus' dream house…_

"I suppose you're trying to think how we get all the students in and out unseen, eh? Never mind… this is only one of the entrances. The kids go home every day or term out of the most appropriate entrance… there's only a few hundred of us at best, so we only need about ten entrances and no one has a clue. This one's guests and Goths only. Seems to suit your friend, here. Plus it was the closest."

_He tapped the door with an African rhythm, and instantly the door swung out. Severus and I walked through to a colourful corridor, and Thomas led us up several hallways to the dining area, which looked just like the normal American high school cafeterias that I'd seen on TV…_

"Professors Granger and Snape, it is an honour," cried Headmistress Jessica Dodson, as soon as she caught sight of the two arrivals. The rest of the teaching staff stood up in order to greet them - the students weren't due back until the next day.

"Please, sit and have lunch, and after I'll show you 'round the place. You must be exhausted so I'll go over the program and stuff later."

Gratefully the two sat down, feeling quite out of place, and eyeing some of the foods suspiciously.

* * *

Well… there we go. It won't be very long. Eventually it should branch out into them going on Dr. Phil… as a dysfunctional couple. Review if you think it's worth me writing the next chapter (or the story).


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two _(Severus)_**

_I glared about the staffroom, which was much larger, but more cheaply furnished, than Hogwarts'. Headmistress Dodson stood up to begin the staff meeting. The mere idea that I should be made to sit through this ridiculous waste of time was insupportable – it was nothing to do with me and I should infinitely prefer to unpack and be shown around the school, or proffered a brandy._

"So you see, Jessica, my colleague here is almost completely ignorant of muggle culture!" exclaimed Hermione. Snape shifted uncomfortably, dreading that he would be dragged into the conversation.

"Is that so? Well we must remedy that! Look… here is the itinerary. That should fix him, Hermione! Especially California." Glancing at the paper, the two began to giggle. Disgusted, Snape tried to think of how he could get out of it. He eyed the Salem potion master. He looked young and gullible enough. In fact, most of the Salem staff looked young. Yes, he would outwit them very easily.

Thomas Frader worried needlessly that Severus wasn't enjoying himself, and decided to cheer up the old chap with the prospective itinerary.

"So Severus… have you ever been to California?"

"No."

"Oh, well there's lots to do there, as you can see."

_And why would I want to go to California… or New York or Washington, for that matter? Why bother carting us around Salem, then apparating to New York, then portkeying to Washington, then portkeying to California? Why _bother_ seeing America? They were here to forge links with Salem Academy, not freaking American muggles! What a waste of time._

"We'll look around Salem tomorrow, and after that head over to New York, where we'll spend the night in the Hilton hotel. In the morning, we'll go shopping, and take a portkey in the afternoon to Washington, where we'll spend the night again at a muggle hotel. The next day is entirely taken up by touring around Washington, looking at all the historical stuff… then we'll go to California, and potter around there for a bit… and be back here in a week or so."

_I wondered if he'd shut up any time soon._

"Of course in California there's so much to do. Disneyland might even take up a day-"

"Disneyland! Oh, I've wanted to go there since I was a little girl!"

The Salem staff all smiled – Snape looked ready to kill.

_Disneyland? What did they think we were… better yet, who did they think _they_ were? They couldn't take him to Disneyland! Oh well. It didn't matter… he'd still be at Salem anyway, with some 'rare disease'. _

"And then of course you'll want to see some of the studios there."

"Oh how lovely! You know, I confess, I've always wanted to go to Oprah…"

_Opera? Why would she want to go to the Opera? And why in California? She could go in Europe, it would be much better… Wait, no, she didn't say _the_ Opera… maybe it was a city? And what were the studios?_

Utterly confused, Snape coughed discreetly and softly asked Thomas what had happened to their bags.

"Oh, they've been put in your rooms of course. Actually there's an idea…Jessica, we should really show Hermione and Severus around the school."

"Oh silly me! I can't believe I forgot. Of course… right this way, c'mon 'Mione."

_What ridiculous people these Americans are. 'Mione' indeed. Well at least my bags line worked. Finally we might get somewhere we can sleep. Then I can plan how to get out of this. _

* * *

Chapter Two… and it looks like this will be slightly longer than I expected. Probably one chapter a week at best too. Sorry. Thankyou for the reviews. I've taken their advice into account (I've continued, changed the summary, and updated). Unfortunately, it's back to school in 33 hours for me... ( 


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